Here I am Again.

I’m not sure if my presence here is wise or not.

I know I have a problem.  I know I hurt the people closest to me.

No one can hurt you like someone you love.  When you are me, that knowledge is all it takes.  They don’t have to do a thing to you, but you will fear them anyhow.  They can lay their lives in front of you and give themselves up and you still won’t trust them.  Oh, you think you trust them until you start to really feel something.  Then the jealousy….  the mistrust…. they start the thoughts that have no place.  The thoughts that build realities that don’t exist.  The realities where people laugh at your expense.  The realities where they only stay with you because they pity you.  The realities where you are no longer special.  These feelings bring anger.  Small victories can become offenses and what is treasured becomes an enemy.

It’s a good day when I don’t act on it.

Good days aren’t enough.  One bad moment in an otherwise good series of days can undo all the best wishes and best intentions and best efforts.  It’s like an nuclear bomb.  So much anger and mistrust can overshadow everything else.

So I look for answers.

Over and over, with each failure, I look for answers.  I’d like to simply stop feeling this way.  I’m starting to think that it’s not possible, however.  I fail.  I need to plan for my failures instead of trying to stop them altogether.